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Amazing Facts About
Chuck Norris

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Here is a list of Amazing Chuck Norris Facts.We have attempted to sort out any inappropriate stuff.
We hope that everything here would be approved by Chuck Norris himself. We don't want our website taken down by a "Roundhouse Kick" to the server.


Here is a list of CLEAN Chuck Norris Jokes. 
If you find any bad ones, let me know. If I'm missing any, let me know that too.



Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through dry land.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas when he goes to sleep.

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford changes its actual spelling.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can beat the Sun in a staring contest.

Chuck Noris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take crap from anybody.

Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

Chuck Norris CAN eat just one Lay's potato chip.

A roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

When Chuck Norris had surgery, the anesthesia was applied to the doctors.

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Noris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com.

Chuck Norris invented the beard.

When Chuck Norris runs with scissors other people get hurt.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack, his heart lost.

A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it effects the economy.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

When Chuck Norris picks his nose, he REALLY does find Gold.

Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

Chuck Noris can rhyme orange and purple... with each other!

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Texas does not have a police force. They have Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

You are what you eat. Chuck Noris eats steel.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat breakfast, he forces it into submission.

What is the quickest way to mans heart? Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Most people put their pants on one leg at a time, Chuck Norris does both legs at once.

There are actually 8 wonders of the world. Chuck Norris counts for 4 of them.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the SOUL.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Chuck Noris believes it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open

Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer

Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands

Chuck Norris let the dogs out

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

What came first, the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris.

"Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

Chuck Norris's cowboy boots are made of real cowboys

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talking about.

Guns kill 12 people a day. chuck noris kills 20.

When Chuck Norris goes hunting he shoots himself in the leg to give the bear a head start.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris once played Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

The only thing better than Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris on TV, talking about Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

Chuck Norris doesn't get the belt, the belt get Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.

Chuck Norris once went back in time to fight Chuck Norris. He won.

What was going through the minds of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The bermuda triangle is a myth. That's just were Chuck Norris practices his round house kicks.

The Titanic didn't sink by hitting an iceberg, it really hit Chuck Norris' chin as he was making his usual laps around the North Atlantic.

When Chuck Norris talks to a Russian He doesn't speak Russian. The Russian, speaks Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his rage

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because it implies the possibility of failure Chuck Norris goes killing.

When you are Chuck Norris every light claps on and off.

Crop circles are just Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn just needs to lay down.

It only takes chuck Norris 1 lick to get to the center of a tootsie pop

If you have five dollars, and Chuck Norris has five dollars...Chuck Norris has more money than you.

Chuck Norris is not in your extended network, you are in his

Brokeback Mountain is not the name of a movie, it is the pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris' backyard

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn, he stands outside and dares it to grow.

When Bruce Willis gets mad, he turns into The Incredible Hulk. When The Incredible Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris knows the last two digits of Pi

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.


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